I’ve developed an algorithm for making popular tumblr posts. Follow these simple rules and watch as fame, fortune, and over 200 heart note points come into your life. 

1, Keep it short, snappy, and sassy. The average tumblr user is on a quest to consume all that the internet has to offer all at once. They’re scrolling quickly and they have zero time for your five sentence paragraph. Sadly, the post I’m making right now is already waaay too long to ever reach true popularity. The average tumblr user is often times repressing lots of anger in their day to day life so make sure your short post has tons of attitude for maximum relate-ability.

2. Use the proper buzz words.  Sprinkle the following words/phrases into your posts. Pizza, cuddles, warm,sleep, Dr.Who, avocado, Beyonce, coffee, vintage, “I can’t”, kisses, cats, whatever, “no”. 

3. You did it. Welcome to the big leagues. 


You can’t argue with success. Success is a total jerk who never listens.


Bomb The Music Industry: Big Kisses 


Rivers Cuomo: Lemonade

No, this ain’t no minutemaid


Stop falling in love with beautiful unobtainable mysterious internet people who live thousands of miles away from you. Learn to love yourself first. Then fall in love with your weird neighbors. They’re probably better kissers and I heard that they always have good food at their house. 


All Dogs:Basement


I’m a little bit offended that I wasn’t chosen as the David Letterman replacement. Why even have a marginally popular blog if it’s not going to lead to late night hosting gigs?


You would expect a food item called waffle fries to be excellent and you’d be right because they are.


As an emotional teenager I really connected with Weezer’s early albums. As a cynical emotionless adult I really connect with the absurdity of Weezer’s recent output. Maybe I’m just projecting, but I can’t help but think that songs like these are at least in part a response to the criticism that Weezer receives. In this video Rivers sports an all white suit, a mustache, and no shoes while performing a six minute choir-accompanied song called “The Greatest Man That Ever Lived”. Did I mention that they perform a portion of this song with a flaming pentagram behind them? Maybe he’s an aging out of touch rock star. Maybe he’s parodying the very idea of being one. Either way I find it entertaining.  Either way I want to be Rivers Cuomo. 


You want me to bring kids into this awful world when there’s global warming and Bored to Death got canceled after only three seasons? Have you seen the news lately? I mean that show wasn’t perfect but it had a unique comedic voice and I feel like it really had a lot of room to grow still. Sorry grandma but the bloodline ends here. Yes grandma I saw season 4 of Arrested Development. There were some solid jokes in it but ultimately I feel like it lacked the heart and cohesiveness of the original seasons. Yes I do appreciate that Netflix and other streaming media sites are taking risks by creating original programing but you aren’t going to talk me out of this.


What will become of us? Us perusers of tumblr. Surely we can’t do what we do now forever. Will this website fall into obscurity like every website before it? Our thoughts, pictures, art, music, and online persona all gone and replaced by something new that we don’t quite understand. We’ll be left wandering the world adrift. Younger people will have no idea how many heart notes we once had. The avocado you cut in half and took a picture of will mean nothing to them. Eventually we’ll be forced into the outskirts of town along with the other bloggers. We’ll form communities but have no idea how to actually interact with one another in person. Living In the rubble of this post tumblr/post apocalyptic wasteland, we’ll have ritualistic ceremonies that attempt to recreate the tumblr experience. Our currency will be heart-shaped rocks painted red. We will only communicate with each other through salvaged pieces of glass made to look like computer screens. We will pray to a Beyoncé shrine before every vegan meal. Future sociologist will stumble across this post while on a deep internet excavation. They’ll be surprised at how accurate the predictions were but ultimately laugh at how “2014” it is.       


Foozle: Everything’s Causual 

I’ll escape this suburban sprawl 
safe and sound as if it’s a school night 
I appreciate your quiet demeanor 
and the way you laugh at my jokes 
like everything good can be summed up 
in someone’s disposition


There will come a day when the part in my hair becomes so impeccable that society will have no choice but to elect me governor or at the very least give me faculty parking.

tiorasays asks: hello, I love your posts. I've recommended my sister to you because we like to grill each other over the Internet with amazingly hilarious Internet posts. now you are one of them. so it's you and heckacute. keep up the good work son ! onwards to glory !

I’m glad my posts are bringing families together. Thank you for the positivity! 

potatofart asks: Your text posts crack me the fuck up.

Your pictures of Joe Stummer/animals being cute bring me joy!  

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