4.22.14

She had a chip on her shoulder and salsa on her face. Her life was one big fiesta that the rest of the world wasn’t invited to.

4.22.14

Running Jokes Into The Ground Until They’re Not Funny Anymore Kind of Makes the Jokes Funny Again.: An Autobiography by Your Drunk Uncle 

4.21.14
The mailman thinks I’m weird.

The mailman thinks I’m weird.

4.21.14

If you fall asleep during the movie Inception it adds yet another layer of mystery.

4.20.14

There’s nothing wrong with being a one trick pony if the one trick the pony can do is a kickflip. Surf’s up, losers.

4.18.14

I don’t want to be your internet crush. I want to be your VHS copy of Blue Crush starring Kate Bosworth so I can teach you about surfing and the true power of friendship.

4.18.14

The Doozies: 1997

4.17.14

I’ve developed an algorithm for making popular tumblr posts. Follow these simple rules and watch as fame, fortune, and over 200 heart note points come into your life. 

1, Keep it short, snappy, and sassy. The average tumblr user is on a quest to consume all that the internet has to offer all at once. They’re scrolling quickly and they have zero time for your five sentence paragraph. Sadly, the post I’m making right now is already waaay too long to ever reach true popularity. The average tumblr user is often times repressing lots of anger in their day to day life so make sure your short post has tons of attitude for maximum relate-ability.

2. Use the proper buzz words.  Sprinkle the following words/phrases into your posts. Pizza, cuddles, warm,sleep, Dr.Who, avocado, Beyonce, coffee, vintage, “I can’t”, kisses, cats, whatever, “no”. 

3. You did it. Welcome to the big leagues. 

4.17.14

You can’t argue with success. Success is a total jerk who never listens.

4.16.14

Bomb The Music Industry: Big Kisses 

4.14.14

Rivers Cuomo: Lemonade

No, this ain’t no minutemaid

4.12.14

Stop falling in love with beautiful unobtainable mysterious internet people who live thousands of miles away from you. Learn to love yourself first. Then fall in love with your weird neighbors. They’re probably better kissers and I heard that they always have good food at their house. 

4.12.14

All Dogs:Basement

4.11.14

I’m a little bit offended that I wasn’t chosen as the David Letterman replacement. Why even have a marginally popular blog if it’s not going to lead to late night hosting gigs?

4.10.14

You would expect a food item called waffle fries to be excellent and you’d be right because they are.

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