9.16.14
I know it’s September but I needed this and the Pillsbury Doughboy wouldn’t have released these from his Pillsbury dough vault if it wasn’t ok to eat them.

I know it’s September but I needed this and the Pillsbury Doughboy wouldn’t have released these from his Pillsbury dough vault if it wasn’t ok to eat them.

9.15.14

Credit cards are kind of like time traveling future money from the wonderful world of tomorrow where you supposedly have your life together.

9.14.14

I’m not comfortable with the idea that there are people in the world who are younger than me. Are they laughing at me because they know I’ll probably die before them? Are they going to make new things cool and then not let me know about it? What’s a dubstep?

9.13.14

I’ve always kind of imagined my life as a movie. Most movies though, are about young attractive people going on adventures, learning lessons, and then concluding with the lead finally kissing the object of their desire. Well, I’ve done all these things and yet the movie goes on. Now I’m left wondering if the next 50 to 60 years of my life are just a really long blooper reel or if I’m just biding my time until I can star in one of those “Older Action Star Returns to Punch Young People In The Throat Staring Clint Eastwood/Schwarzenegger/Sylvester Stallone/ Liam Neeson” style movies. In the meantime I live a life of quiet desperation and try not to make any embarrassing cameos in C grade sitcoms or car commercials.

9.12.14

We’re an entire generation of children who were spoon fed the idea that we could grow up to be anything we wanted, yet in the same breath they tell us that the pterodactyl has been extinct for over 65 million years.

9.11.14

My oven is such a flirt.

Snapchat username:Snapcrispy

9.07.14

Ok Obama I’m ready to cash in on my indie cred now.

9.06.14
Would it be too meta to go as myself for Halloween?

Would it be too meta to go as myself for Halloween?

9.02.14

I’m sorry to put them on blast like this, but I have to call bullshit on bananas. I love them like family but they get ripe just a little too quick. I’m out here buying 7 bananas thinking I can eat one a day for breakfast but by day 3 I’m left with a pile of mush. Pull yourselves together. Pace yourselves. I’ll see you next week at the fruit stand. We’ll try this again.

8.31.14
Snapchat username: Snapcrispy

Snapchat username: Snapcrispy

8.28.14

If you don’t kiss your laptop on the forehead after putting it in sleep mode you are most likely a monster.

8.28.14

You could focus your energy on “improving your resume” or you could just get with the times and try to come up with a really clever joke kickstarter about funding your ironic Popsicle company or whatever. Wait… No one steal that. 

8.23.14

I ice bucket challenge you to read a frickin’ book on some frickin’ family values. People are tweeting up a storm when they should be tweeting up some local elections. Al Gore and Steve “Jobs” want to blame it on global warming. OOPS I mean global “climate “change” (or should I say global climate “hope”, Obama?) Meanwhile cigarettes are 8 bucks a pack and I can’t even catch a cab past midnight. I’m not a perfect Christian and lord knows that I drink and I gamble, but even I think that reality TV has gone too far.

8.21.14
Fall Bucket List

Fall Bucket List

8.16.14
Anonymous asks: You're a history teacher?

If the corduroy jacket with elbow patches fits!   

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